Humans can experience confusion due to the neurobiology of love that always seems to try to put us to the test, between what we want and what we know is the most convenient for us.
Love and desire
Can you feel a strong attachment towards a person for a long time, while feeling an intense romantic love for another that makes you sigh and takes your sleep away, but you can also experience sexual desire towards other people ... Well we are able to feel interest and attraction for more than one person at the same time, due to our brain biology. Therefore, to maintain a long-term relationship it is a good resource to make the daily decision of focus our attention and energy on that special person, instead of looking for other attractive options in several ways for us, which can lead us to separation, and to divorce, which are emotionally difficult events.
How love develops in our brain
So, if you've been through any infidelity or you are spawning it deep within your brain ... It is important that you know that it is responsible, in large part, for the neurobiology of love, this will help you remove some unnecessary faults and focus on working with the aspects that are in your hands, so that your relationship is more satisfying, healthy and happy, understanding our biology can help you a little. Due to our brain systems, we develop:
1. The sex drive
It is the wish that look for gratification and satisfy yourself to itself, it mainly produces: dopamine, endorphins, norepinephrine and adrenaline, those who make our judgment literally clouded; Therefore, some potential dangers are often ignored. At this point, norepinephrine gives us the energy to be with the couple doing many activities, orients our behavior towards a goal, is when it takes our sleep, attention is fixed on that special person and that impulse seeks to eliminate obstacles to satisfy their desires .
2. Romantic love
It's the desire and the motivation that arise from being with that special person, not only in the sexual aspect. Dopamine is also associated here, among other neurotransmitters; because during sex and with orgasm the oxytocin and vasopressin, producing the feeling of bond and connection with the other person. As for casual sex, it can result in a crush, even if you have not had that idea in mind, weakening the bond of our stable relationship if there is one. According Helen Fisher, romantic love is an impulse that makes us crave, and may even be more powerful than sexual desire, reached this conclusion, taking data from the research he has done in these years, based on neurosciences and anthropology, mainly.
During a state of sexual arousal and orgasm, the frontal lobe areas are inhibited, so we reflect less What we do, can lead us to decrease our critical capacity, due to prefrontal hypoactivity. This can lead us to make inconvenient decisions for us, we can even fall into irresponsible behavior with negative effects for ourselves and for our relationship.
3. Attachment to a long-term partner
It consists in the search for the sensation of calm and security that you can feel with a lasting partner. Some experts like Helen Fisher, say that romantic love evolved to allow us to focus our mating energy on a single person and thus conserve time and energy for other activities suitable for our evolution and that of our species; in turn, he affirms that attachment evolved to allow us to tolerate that human being called a couple, at least long enough to raise a child together.
At this stage, it is very important to take care of our relationship, strengthening the bond through our actions, generally at this stage we know what pleases and not our partner, so that we can build an environment of greater mutual understanding and show greater empathy; the have interests and hobbies in common how children, projects, goals, desires, and dreams foster union.
Love which implies accompaniment, is what many couples see as the natural progression of a successful relationship, but it can be an unnecessary commitment. "Couples must fight for love with all the ornaments," and couples who have been together for a long time and want to regain their romantic advantage should know that it is an attainable goal that, like most good things in life, requires energy and devotion", according to Acevedo research.
There comes a time when testosterone levels in men go down and those in women go up a bit, which allows them to live more easily.
Try to always keep in mind why you chose that person and what he did and he has made it unique and special for you all this time ... "You are in love when you realize that another person is unique" (Borges). Why do we fall in love with one person instead of another? For several reasons, such as context, proximity, mystery, coupled with a list of qualities that we put to our platonic love, usually during childhood. In this way looking for people with complementary brain systems to ours. We can learn to love better and use our differences to complement each other better.
"Love can evoke very strong emotions in the human being, infidelity can lead to generate negative emotions with consequences of moderate to severe, but when love endures and there is a will, it can heal that relationship through forgiveness."
The advantages of having a long-term relationship are many for health, but the fundamental thing is that this is a personal choice, so we can build good long-term relationships if we have the Will of doing it.
Healthy marriages contribute to the mental and physical health of individuals, to the positive upbringing of children, while protecting them from some mental, physical, educational and social problems. Almost no one gets involved in a long-term relationship, hoping that it will fail, whenever there is love, it is commendable that motivated by him, we do our best to make things work. In the event that things did not work, we will remain with some peace of mind, because we did what was in our hands to rescue our love, remember that The relationship is a binomial that consists of two parts.
You may be wondering: What can I do to improve my relationship? Here are some ideas that can help you.
8 Actions to increase satisfaction in long-term couples
- It is recommended that both continue to grow in different aspects of their lives, such as: intellectual, professional and social, among other areas; with this the admiration towards the couple grows, it remains in suspense and the mystery about the activities that they carry out independently. In this way, you can be more interesting for your partner even if many years have passed, avoiding falling into the feeling of satiety that some individuals experience when they feel they have a very safe partner.
Saint-Exupéry said: “To love is not to look at each other; is to look together in the same direction. ” So take time for yourself and to do those things that satisfy you, those that make you develop as a human being, seek to make a project or hobby together that you enjoy, that will make you happier, while it can help improve your relationship.
- Try to be kind and careful, first with yourself; so it will be easier for you to be kind to your partner too Try to be more conscious, kind and affable, are qualities directly associated with high levels of satisfaction within a couple.
- Passionate love can appear intermittently, acting as small sparks that can keep alive and increase the fire of love. For this, it is advisable to surprise your partner from time to time with a small detail or a great action that is to your liking.
- Build your union based on a shared intimacy and identity, while setting limits to protect your autonomy and that of your partner. Protecting individuality and autonomy within a relationship will cause them to experience higher levels of satisfaction, as both will continue to be involved in the mystery of their own individuality, an aspect that attracted them so much.
- Encourage a rich and pleasant sexual relationship, protecting it from intrusions of different kinds and family obligations. Couples with children and babies especially, often adopt responsibilities and roles of parenthood that can be overwhelming; Always remember to give your partner time and dedication, the transition to fatherhood does not have to sexually move them away. Keep open to new experiences and try to increase your flexibility physical and mental.
- Use the humor and the laughter to keep things in perspective, to avoid boredom and isolation, but not to offend or to denigrate your partner.
- Offer encouragement and support, so you will have more possibilities to improve, because you might feel motivated; Instead of giving only negative reviews, remember that your partner can meet both the best and the worst expectations we have about them. Hopefully the best, and build our phrases with more care.
- Estimate and value the virtues and unique details That person has had, keeping in our mind alive the first romantic and idealized images of when we fall in love, can help you face difficulties in the life of a couple and resist the changes that time produces.
Thanks to advances in science and technology, we can have in our hands a relationship that is “forbidden fruit”, more easily or have all the information we have and use the right professionals to guide us to have better relationships , to overcome our differences and establish lasting relationships that are more satisfying and healthy, if that is what we want ... Well, both are decisions that are in our hands every day.
Helen Fisher said:We have to enter the century of friendly marriage, adopting a pattern of collaboration that is highly compatible with the human spirit”.
You can choose to pay attention to those aspects that could grow your long-term relationship and that may require some special attention, such as: "maintenance" and changes, mainly from your own person. Or do you prefer to pay attention to the other stimuli that attract you regardless of the consequences? Regardless of the response and personal decision, we must remember that the consequences of infidelity do not always lead to a convenient or satisfactory outcome. Generally it is so for ourselves and for those who might be affected with it, such as children, if they have them.The forgiveness can help heal a relationship that suffered an infidelityHowever, it is a litmus test that many do not resist, so psychological support is advised to help heal wounds.
We have to move towards a more collaborative society, where the characteristics of each gender lead us to value the other, where there is a greater and mutual understanding, remember that the cell of society is the family, and it begins with a partner.
It may interest you: Personality and couple compatibility test
- Article: "Does a Long-Term Relationship Kill Romantic Love?" Bianca P. Acevedo, PhD, and Arthur Aron, PhD, Stony Brook University; Review of General Psychology, Vol. 13, No. 1.
- Fisher, H. (2004). Why we love: Nature and Chemistry of Romantic Love. Santa Fe, Bogotá: Taurus Thought.
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